Most women grow up without ever being encouraged to understand their own pleasure. The topic of self-pleasure has been kept quiet, especially in cultures where sexuality is surrounded by shame, secrecy, and discomfort. Many women reach adulthood believing that sexual pleasure is something that happens during intimacy with a partner (if it happens at all) and that if it doesn’t, the issue must be with them. But the truth is simple and deeply human, most of us were never given the space, language, or confidence to explore our bodies in a safe and curious way.
In so many conversations between women (even close friends), sex may come up, but pleasure rarely does. We can talk about dating, relationships, breakups, insecurities, and frustrations, yet when it comes to how our bodies feel and respond, the conversation becomes quiet. The silence isn’t accidental. It’s learned. And that silence has consequences. When pleasure is treated like a taboo, women end up disconnected from something fundamentally theirs.
Why do so many women struggle to talk about self-pleasure?
Because for generations, women were raised to be desirable, but not desiring.
Girls are often taught to be modest, polite, and restrained, to not draw attention to their needs, especially physical ones. We learn early that wanting pleasure or seeking it actively is something “good girls” don’t do. That messaging doesn’t just disappear because we grow older. It stays in our bodies.
As adults, this turns into second-guessing our desires, feeling shy about expressing preferences, or pretending to be satisfied during intimacy. Many women become experts at focusing on whether someone else is comfortable, attracted, or happy, without ever asking what they themselves are feeling. When pleasure isn’t seen as ours to claim, we become strangers to our own bodies. It’ no wonder that researchers found that 91% of cis men in India masturbate, versus 55% of cis women masturbate.
This silence also shapes relationships. Many women don’t speak up if they feel unsatisfied or disconnected during intimacy. Not because they lack courage, but because they’re afraid of hurting their partner, being misunderstood, or being judged. Without open conversation, partners are left guessing, and women are left enduring. Both suffer.
Why is self-pleasure important for women?
Because it teaches us what we actually like, instead of waiting for someone else to discover it for us.
Self-pleasure is not just about achieving an orgasm. It’s a form of self-awareness. When a woman knows what feels good, what pace she likes, how her desire builds, and what makes her feel present and grounded, she approaches intimacy with clarity rather than hesitation.
Women who explore their bodies tend to experience:
- More fulfilling intimacy with partners
- Less anxiety around sex
- Increased body confidence and self-trust
- A deeper understanding of emotional and physical boundaries
When you learn your own pleasure, you stop treating your body like an unknown object and start treating it like a home.
How do you begin exploring self-pleasure if you’re new to it?
Start slowly, without pressure to “achieve” anything.
If you approach self-pleasure with the goal of “finally having a big orgasm,” your mind will become tense and performance-driven. Instead, the starting point should be curiosity. Set aside time when you know you won’t be interrupted. Create an environment that feels safe—dim lighting, comfortable clothing, or no clothing, music if that helps. The aim is to help your body relax and feel safe enough to respond.
Begin with touch that isn’t goal-oriented. Explore areas of your body that are not usually associated with sexual pleasure—your thighs, hips, chest, stomach. Notice how different types of touch feel like light, firm, slow, warm. Pay attention to your breathing. The first stage of desire is not physical, it’s psychological. You are learning how to arrive in your own body.
Is it normal to feel awkward or guilty while exploring self-pleasure?
Yes. And the guilt is learned, not natural.
Many women feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or unsure when they begin exploring their bodies. These feelings are not signs that self-pleasure is wrong, they are reflections of how deeply shame around female desire has been passed down. When guilt comes up, try to observe it gently. You are not doing anything wrong. You are unlearning something that was taught to you, not something you chose.
Over time, the guilt loosens when you consistently allow yourself to feel without judgment. Your body wants to be understood. It wants to feel ease, warmth, and presence. You are not forcing anything unnatural, you are returning to yourself.
So, how should you get ‘down to it’?
Self pleasure gets better with curiosity and creativity. Women need to give permission to themselves to learn the sensual secrets of their own bodies. There are countless ways to help you on your quest for self-pleasure. Many women try the first tip or technique they see online, only to realise that it doesn’t bring them pleasure or that they didn’t like it, and shelve the idea of womanly self pleasure forever. This makes them feel as if they have failed or leads them to assume that they are simply not capable of feeling pleasure. If you do not like something, move on and try something else. Your body, and more importantly, you as a person, are incredibly unique.
All women need to understand that something that works for somebody else might not work for them. Every woman’s self pleasure journey is different.
I am sharing a technique that is my personal favourite and of many of my female clients who are diving into the world of self pleasure. It is called ‘Staging’. Staging is a well-rounded method to build more intense orgasms by spending more time to build up arousal, bit by bit.
- Building Desire: It is a slow, lingering touch. To start off, let your touch wander past the extremely sensitive parts, but don’t give them any attention, as if they don’t exist. The slower the movement, the better it will feel one you move to the next step.
- Warmup: Once your desire has been sparked, go for a gradual build. Beginning from the clitoris. When you first touch yourself there, notice how it becomes soft and then becomes harder under your touch as it becomes aroused. Slow, less direct touches feel best at this stage. Try not to make abrupt moves. The longer each stroke takes, the more anticipation builds.
- Buildup: This is the longest part – it’s when the clitoris is ready to receive attention. The pleasure builds and builds. When it comes to stimulating the clitoris in the buildup stage, there’s a far larger variation (location, pressure, stroke) in what feels best for different women.
- Approach: This is when the orgasm first starts building inside. You are reaching a more intense pleasure. However, this is also a stage where things can go wrong because stopping, changing the stroke, or becoming distracted can stop the escalation. This means you would have to start over from the beginning.
- Orgasm: The holy grail! You can add more pressure overall and directly on the higher part of the clitoris. Stick with whatever motion you’re doing in that moment and make the feeling grow into a full climax. For men, when they are reaching orgasm, they become harder and faster but it is not the same for women. The technique is ‘just go the same’ and you get there.
Most, if not all, women need to learn or re-learn the art of women’s self pleasure. Learning to listen to your body and taking feedback is a skill that takes time to develop, but the rewards are definitely worth it. Self pleasure is so much more than just getting a quick orgasm. Knowing what feels good, what you like, and how you like it makes all the difference in the world.
The Bigger Picture
Self pleasure is not a backup plan for when a partner is unavailable. It is not something shameful or secretive. It is one of the most intimate ways a woman can reconnect with herself.
Understanding your own pleasure changes how you carry yourself in the world. It cultivates confidence, calm, and a sense of inner presence. It shifts intimacy from something that happens to you, to something you participate in. It teaches you to ask for what you need and to recognize when something doesn’t feel right.
Most importantly, self pleasure reminds you that your body is not an object to be observed, compared, or evaluated. It is a living, responsive, emotional part of you. It deserves patience, curiosity, and kindness.
Every woman’s relationship with her pleasure is unique. There is no “normal,” no timeline, no ideal goal. There is only you, learning to listen to yourself—one moment at a time.
Our experts work round the clock to provide you with the answers that you are looking for. So if you have any, leave it in the comment section below or send us a DM at @nuawoman. This is a safe space that we have built for you so do not hold back on any doubts you may have about your body and mind.
Read other articles by Pallavi Barnwal on InSync here.
